Gender Equality

Dear Rhys,

Recently, post-bath and pre-pyjamas Miya decided that it would be fun to slide down the stairs on her stomach.  It was...for her.  Despite my warnings against it, you, equally naked, enthusiastically followed. One stair down you shrieked, "ouch" and immediately stopped and began examining your appendage for damage.  We believe in equal opportunity in our family, however, anyone who says men and women are created equal has not attempted a naked slide down the stairs with male anatomy.

Love,
Mommy

Expectation: Christmas photos. Result: Hooligans beating up their elf.

The Birds and the Bees

Dear Miya,

Currently, we know a lot of pregnant women and this has triggered your curiosity about how pregnancy occurs.  I tried dodging your questions, but eventually I gave in.  Without detailing how the process occurs, I told you that an egg gets fertilized and grows into a baby in the Mommy's tummy.

Today, out of the blue, you asked me if Papa fertilized an egg in Gramma's tummy that grew into me.  Once the wave of nausea your question induced had passed, I realized I had forgotten to tell you how I was conceived.  It's called immaculate conception.  Basically, I just appeared in Gramma's tummy.  Coincidentally, all of my siblings came about in the same way.  No fertilization was ever necessary.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Love,
Your scarred for life Mommy

Scoopy

Dear Scoopy,

As our resident Elf on the Shelf, you have become a beloved member of our family.  However, after some discussions with Miya and Rhys over the last two days, I have some issues to take up with you.  As you and I both know, you have assistance from some unnamed helpers in pulling off your shenanigans.  The first helper assists you in setting up scenes that will delight and amuse the children.  The second helper, on the other hand, seems to like to assist you in picking the parts of the house that, admittedly, don't get dusted as often as they should.  Miya has started commenting on the layer of dust you're developing.  Please shake off the dust and get helper number two in line.

Secondly, Miya informed me today that her and Rhys have decided what they want to be when they grow up.  "We both want to be an Elf on the Shelf when we grow up.  Isn't that great?" Miya gleefully exclaimed.  Rhys nodded his agreement yelling, "ya, ya, Scooooppaaayyy" and pointing in your direction.  Scoopy, I want to be a parent who supports my children no matter what path they choose in life.  But, I mean support in the emotional way, not the financial way and I suspect there's not a lot of money to be made as an Elf.  Please stop making the Elf life look so appealing.

Love,
Mommy

22

Dear Miya,

You are a hilarious cornucopia of misheard lyrics.  You sing "all about the becks" instead of "all about that bass", "shake it out" instead of "shake it off" and you vehemently insist that your version is correct.  My favourite, though, has to be when you sing what you call "The Hamster Song" better known as Taylor Swift's "22", or as you like to sing it "swemie two".

Actual Lyrics:

It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters.

Your Lyrics:

It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hamsters.

Man, that Taylor Swift is into some weird stuff.

Love,
Mommy

New Words

Dear Rhys,

I am so proud that you have learned how to say the word "wall" and the phrase "I did it".  I just wish that you hadn't debuted them in response to the question, " who drew on the wall?"

Love,
Mommy

The Bus from Xcaret

Dear Miya,

It is very sweet that you believe that the looks passing between Mommy and Daddy were because we are in love.  However, the looks were actually Mommy and Daddy conveying telepathic messages to one another passing judgement on the parents who were letting their toddler roam the aisle of the bus.  Being judgemental was a bad idea on Mommy and Daddy's part, as it resulted in karma causing Rhys to believe that the "let's see how loud I can scream" game  was a hilarious way to pass the time. 

Love,
Mommy

Dear Rhys,

I acted the part of the embarrassed parent and shushed and scolded you as you played the "let's see how loud I can scream" game on the bus back to the resort from Xcaret.  However, since you started the shrieks immediately after the bus driver missed our stop and then insisted on dropping everyone else off before taking us back, I was inwardly applauding your disruptions.  I'm also awarding you bonus points because your shrieks woke the couple in front of us who thought reclining their chairs all the way despite knowing we had children on our laps was a good idea.  It worked out for you this time, but in future, screaming as loud as you can in public is not funny.

Love,
Mommy

Baby

Dear Rhys,

I'm not sure what Daddy has been teaching you when I'm at work, but I'm starting to have some concerns.  Please stop yelling "baby" and waving at all the pretty girls who pass by our cabana.

Love,
Mommy

How to Wash Hands

Dear Rhys,

Washing your hands is currently your favourite activity.  Since you partake in this activity numerous times a day, Daddy and I assumed that you had the process mastered.  It appears we were wrong.  Hand washing instructions are as follows:

Step 1: Wet hands
Step 2: Apply soap to hands and thoroughly scrub
Step 3: Rinse and dry hands

Please notice that there is no fourth step instructing you to put a brand new roll of toilet paper into the water pooled in the sink causing the drain to clog and the water to overflow.  Appropriately, it looked like a mummy had drowned in the sink.  Happy Halloween, Rhysie!

Love,
Mommy

Cat in the Hat and the Goldfish.  Not pictured: Things 1 & 2

Goldfish Rhysie

Itchy Bum

Dear Rhys,

It saddens me to see the discomfort your eczema causes you.  Although I am willing to do almost anything in my power to relieve your discomfort, I must draw the line somewhere.  In future, the stubble on my legs is not to be used as a baby bum scratching post.

Love,
Mommy

Pretending he's a big kid like Miya at her preschool

Baby Boy

Dear Rhys,

I get it.  You're a boy.  Please stop trying to hit my leg with the proof when you're waiting to get into the bath.

Love,
Mommy

Tinkerbell

Dear Miya,

I recently overheard you telling someone that although your bed is made everyday, it is not always you who does it.  This is true.  Then, you went on to say that on the days that you don't make your bed, Tinkerbell magically comes out of your pillow and does it.  Tinkerbell?  Really?  That's the story you're going with?  Motherhood is a very rewarding and simultaneously thankless job.  That said, I'm not letting that fairy steal my thunder.  It is Mommy who makes your bed when you forget, not some fairy that has been extracted from a pillow.  You're welcome.

Love,
Mommy

Toilet Cleaner

Dear Rhys,

Please know that I fully appreciate your willingness to clean.  However, next time the toilet is due for a clean, please let me know instead of taking it into your own hands.  There are much more effective tools available for toilet scrubbing than your own toothbrush.

Love,
Mommy

Watch out ladies, not only does he clean, he cooks, too!

Piranha

Dear Rhys,

Today, I helped a piranha remove a morsel of food from between its teeth.  There were moments where I feared that I would lose my hand to the vicious bites, but I persevered.  OK, so that may not be completely true, but that is certainly what it felt like.  Next time you get a piece of apple caught between your teeth, you can go see Daddy for assistance.

Love,
Mommy

My little biter taking a selfie

Statute of Limitations

Dear Miya,

Please stop shaming me and acting like my lack of praise for your drawings is an affront.  Despite what you say, the statute of limitations for defacing stuffed animals is longer than one day.  I will see you on the other side of time out.

Love,
Mommy

She drew lips on trunk and upside down heart below

Her attempt at writing his name "Silky" apparently

Thanksgiving 2014

Dear Miya,

Counting down the sleeps until you get to spend a holiday enjoying a nice meal with family is endearing.  Counting down the sleeps until you get to eat the turkey's "delicious skin" is a little creepy.  Let's cut out the latter and do the former.

Love,
Mommy

Miya's drawing of a turkey

Squirrel

Dear Rhys,

As you know, your current favourite animal is the squirrel and this love of squirrels has had an impact on our whole family.   At the mere mention of the word squirrel the entire family drops everything to rush you to the living room window and there we sit all in a row watching the squirrel.  Congratulations, you have managed to singlehandedly transform our family into the pack of dogs from the movie "Up".

Love,
Mommy

Playing puppies at Grandpa & Grandma's house

Katy Perrys

Dear Miya,

I just want to remind you that you are only four.  That said, how about we go ahead and put those teenaged eye rolls and "my mom doesn't get me" glares on the shelf for a few more years.  If you don't let me know that you have renamed hot dogs, then how do you expect me to understand what "I only want to eat Katy Perrys for dinner" means.

Love,
Mommy

Playing in the fall leaves on her way to school

Sleepy Questions

Dear Miya,

Yes, I did have a great sleep.  Thank you for asking.  Well, actually, I was having a great sleep until it was interrupted.  In future, please wait until the sun is up to ask how my sleep was.

Love,
Mommy

Miya and Rhys reading books together in the morning

Diaper Pocket

Dear Rhys,

Please stop using your diaper as a pocket for small toys and Daddy's car keys.  There is no way that can possibly end well.  I'm starting to think that I owe Miya an apology.  Maybe she wasn't responsible for the doll arms caper of 2013 after all.

Love,
Mommy

My little daredevil

Daddy's Girl

Dear Miya,

Recently, after some post-dinner sounds and smells were emitted from your Dad, I accused him of smelling bad.  You hopped up on his lap, took a big sniff and said, "Mommy, Daddy doesn't stink.  He smells fresh".  If that's not true love, I'm not sure what is.

Love,
Mommy

I'm Too Young to be a Grandma!

Dear Miya,

A few nights ago you enthusiastically told us that you are "always pregnant with sushi".  Just so you know, I'm not ready to be a Grandma, even if it is just a food baby.

Love,
Mommy

Modelling Rhys' costume

Whisper Technique

Dear Rhys,

As you begin to learn how to express yourself verbally, it is my duty as your parent to provide you with some guidance.  You seem to be a bit of a close whisperer, a condition similar to the close talker of Seinfeld infamy.  In future, please keep in mind that it is unnecessary to press your nose and mouth against the nose and mouth of the person to whom you are whispering.   Generally speaking, humans hear through their ears, not their tonsils.

Love,
Mommy

  

Current Events

Dear Miya,

As you know, we often watch the news together as a family.  A few months back you were very concerned about a mother who had kidnapped her children triggering an Amber Alert.  I explained what an Amber Alert is and that some children have the misfortune of having unfit parents.  Armed with this knowledge, you began using it against me.  Please stop yelling "bad Mommy, Amber Alert" every time you disagree with my parenting, especially in public.

Love,
Mommy

Despicable Me

Dear Miya,

The size of my nose has always been a source of insecurity for me.  Please keep that fact in mind next time you see the shadow cast by my profile.  Calling my shadow "Despicable Me", while funny and sadly true, is hard on Mommy's self esteem.

Love,
Mommy

Smoking Papers

Dear Miya,

It is true that to avoid a complicated explanation about what an Instrumentation career entails, Papa told you that he makes paper at work.  It is also true that there is a smoke stack at Papa's work.  However, at no time did Papa tell you that he smokes paper at work.  Please stop running around the deck yelling, "I'm smoking paper like Papa".  People may get the wrong idea.

Love,
Mommy

Ginger Love

Dear Miya,

I apologize for abruptly confronting you about your ginger ale comment.  In my defence, we had just watched a video of your cousin, Linden.  I'm sure you can now understand why the timing of your question, "don't you just love gingers" caused Mommy to believe you were using a derogatory term in reference to your cousin.

Love,
Mommy

Memoirs

Dear Miya,

If your biggest problem is that Daddy won't write your memoirs, then your life is pretty good.  Please return when you have a legitimate issue that you want me to address with him.  Besides, I thought memoir writing was my job.

Love,
Mommy

Karate

Dear Miya,

I must admit your endless list of excuses for your misdeeds never fails to impress.  However, practicing karate is not a valid excuse for kicking your brother.

Love,
Mommy

Mommy, Can I Eat That?

Dear Miya,

I am so glad that you share Mommy and Daddy's love of seafood.  However, I think you are taking it a bit too far.  As tempting as it is, I implore you, never eat a smashed up crab found on the beach. It will not end well.

Love,
Mommy

Bad Boy

Dear Rhys,

There is often truth to the idea that ladies are attracted to bad boys.  However, I think you have misinterpreted what being a bad boy entails.  Growling, biting and face grabbing is not going to get you a date with that little lady at the park.

Love,
Mommy

Creature of the Night?

Dear Rhys,

Remember earlier today when you fell and bit your lip?  I have some concerns stemming from the aftermath of that event.  As you recall, your lip bled a little bit.  Shortly after the bleeding stopped, you entered a frenzy lasting several minutes during which you constantly tried to bite me.  I know that my overactive imagination will give me no rest until I know the answer to the following question.  Are you a vampire?

Love,
Mommy

Stereotypes

Dear Rhys,

Similar to my feelings about your sister's comments about my driving, please stop encouraging Asian stereotypes.  Apparently, neither of you realize that you are a quarter Asian yourselves.  With that said, please know that the tears and screaming on the bus and skytrain were unwarranted.  None of the Asian ladies who exited before our stop were me abandoning you.  Not all Asians look alike, so please stop acting like they do.

Love,
Mommy

Clapping

Dear Rhys,

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for learning how to clap.  This new skill of yours has added some excitement to otherwise mundane tasks.  When you sit up after a breastfeeding session with a content, yet serious look on your face and slow clap, I feel like a champ.  And, after a particularly challenging diaper change, your huge smile and resounding applause almost makes me forget that half of the poop has leaked onto my lap.  Almost.

Love,
Mommy

Diarrhea

Dear Miya,

I agree with you that diarrhea is an awful sounding word and that the act of having it is even worse.  However, I'm not sure that your replacement word is much better.  The imagery that automatically accompanies a word like poopsmoke is comical yet horrifying.

Love,
Mommy

Whispering

Dear Miya,

Whispering is the act of speaking quietly, often directly into the ear of another.  This act is not to be preceded by thirty seconds of shushing noises and heavy breathing in the ear of the message recipient.  Please keep this in mind for future whisper exchanges.

Love,
Mommy

Saving the Bank

Dear Miya,

I promise to immediately pass on your intelligence to the TD bank at 49th and Fraser.  Since it is unlikely that insurance covers acts of Big Bad Wolf, I am sure they will be relieved to know that they are safe due to the brick exterior of their building.

Love,
Mommy