Knife Skills

Dear Miya,

After your latest escapade, I fully expect to never bear witness to you eating with your hands ever again.  Your claim that you don't know how to use cutlery has lost its credibility.  Last night, unassisted, you deftly maneuvered a plastic knife for the purpose of opening the lock on the bathroom door in a desperate attempt to prevent me from having a solo shower.  Doesn't sound like the actions of a person who doesn't know how to use cutlery, does it?

Love,
Mommy

Post-shower Miya posing with her knife after she reenacted her lock picking caper for Ryan

A Chat with Grandma

Dear Miya,

Yesterday this exchange was overheard:

Grandma: "Your Grandpa is a silly guy."
Miya: "No, he's South African"

Let's just say that you are both correct.

Love,
Mommy

Miya with her silly, South African Grandpa in May 2013

Santa isn't coming!!!

Dear Miya,

Thank you for informing everyone about the sick reindeer.  I'm positive that everyone would rather know now that Santa isn't coming, as opposed to waking up tomorrow to discover that he hadn't visited.  However, I must question your source for this information.   According to you, the reindeer ate cotton balls with Will Ferrell in the movie "Elf".  This allegedly hurt their necks and made them too sick to fly further than Europe.  Before we incite any more fear that Santa is not coming, I think it is necessary that we rewatch the movie to confirm whether your version of events is correct.

Love,
Mommy

Teething

Dear Rhys,

Congratulations on the emergence of your first two teeth.  Please bear in mind that the number of times you bite me is inversely proportional to the length of time that I am willing to breast feed.  Simply put, keep biting me and weaning will be upon us really soon.

Love,
Mommy

Birthing Babies

Dear Miya,

You were correct when you said that Rhys came out of my tummy.  However, please know that Mommy worked very hard to make that happen.  I will spare you the details for now, but let's just say that despite what you believe, he didn't just fall out.

Love,
Mommy

It's already been 7 months since this little guy "fell out".

The Snowsuit

Dear Rhys,

Your passionate belief that every single item in the grocery store must be touched by you is really making my life difficult.  As you may have noticed, I've come up with a solution in the form of a one-piece snowsuit.  To the untrained eye it looks like I'm bundling you up in your snowsuit to keep you warm and cozy for the wintery walk to the store.  In fact, I am just using the snowsuit for its gentle, yet effective ability to render you motionless.  For my sake, please cease your grocery store hijinx as soon as possible.  That snowsuit is going to make me look bad come summer.

Love,
Mommy

Truth in Advertising

Dear Miya,

Thank you for your concern over what you perceived as an error on my part.  However, advertising is often misleading.  Despite what the commercial shows, I can assure you that Always Infinity pads are not intended to be worn on your hand.

Love,
Mommy

The Prickles

Dear Miya,

Had I been aware of the angry, disappointment fueled lecture that awaited me, I would have never removed "the prickles".  I didn't realize you had such a fondness for them.  In future, I promise to consult you before shaving my legs.

Love,
Mommy

Miya's Letter to Santa 2013

Dear Santa,

Please come to my party and walk in the snow with me.  I want to get strawberries at the strawberry park together.  I lost my favourite Tinkerbell friend.  Her name is Periwinkle.  I need a new one so they both can fly together.  Please, Santa, can you please get me presents and see my tree with candy canes and jingles on it?  Rhysie is a bad boy from pulling out Daddy's speaker.  But, please bring Rhysie a doll with soft things on top...that walks.  I will leave a carrot for the reindeer and a candy cane and sweet milk for you.  I don't like sweet milk, but you do.  Please Santa see my jingles alone with lights and a star.  Santa, do you know what? I'm going to Castlegar to give you an elf hat.  Santa, do you like my show about cakes?  Because I like it.  Do you want to watch my cake show and Diego with me?  My daddy wants a doll and my mommy wants a yellow basket like me.  Santa, sorry for being.....naughty.  Please still get me presents and for Rhysie, too.  Please, Santa, can you take Mommy and me and Daddy and Rhys on your sleigh with reindeers back to Hawaii so we can swim and make sandcastles and play some games to find some seashells?  I think this is a nice message.

Love,
Miya

Toilet Paper

Dear Miya,

I greatly respect the passion with which you debate your beliefs with me.  However, some of the beliefs you hold are simply incorrect and not worth debating.  For example, being three does not mean that you must use three wads of toilet paper every single time you use the toilet.  More often than not three is way too much.  Can you imagine if Daddy was in there using 34 wads of toilet paper simply because he's 34?  Mother Earth just shed a tear at the wastefulness of that hypothetical situation.  With all of this in mind, please stop debating toilet paper usage with me every time that you use the toilet.  Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Love,
Mommy

Miya in February 2013

The Dinosaur

Dear Miya,

Currently, Pytosaur is the name you are using to refer to the dinosaur you and Aunty Suzie created out of Jenga tiles.  Over the last 24 hours, he has been known by many names all starting with "P" and ending in "-saur".  My personal favourite was a name you coined as you were putting the final touches on the dinosaur's extremely long tail.  Aunty Suzie will confirm that Pornosaur was what you so proudly named your completed masterpiece.

Love,
Mommy

"Pornosaur"

The Noise

Dear Miya,

I have completed a thorough investigation and I can say with certainty that the source of the noise was a faucet that hadn't been turned off properly.  If it's any consolation, I was really hoping that your theory was correct.  A penguin waddling around the house would have been way more fun!

Love,
Mommy

Rhys Stays

Dear Miya,

Even though the novelty of a baby brother has worn off for you, our decision to bring Rhys into our lives was a permanent one.  Therefore, the answer is no, we are not going to the doctor to have Rhys put back into my tummy.

Love,
Mommy

Sister and brother fun in the sand in Hawaii

Playing in the Sand

Dear Miya,

Rolling in the sand when we tell you it's time to leave the beach is not a clever way to extend our time at the beach.  You thought you were getting another trip into the ocean to rinse off.  Instead, you endured an uncomfortable walk back to the resort to rinse off in the cold showers.  I hope you learned your lesson.

Love,
Mommy

Clumsy

Dear Miya,

Unfortunately, I have passed my inherent clumsiness on to you.  You are constantly tripping, bumping into things and knocking things over.  For example, yesterday you managed to knock a beer off the table on to the floor.  The bottle landed in such a way that beer shot up and hit the ceiling.  Daddy was dumbfounded as to how you had managed to do this and was crossing his fingers in the hopes that no one would notice it when we check out of the room.  You see, Daddy isn't clumsy.  However, I am.  I grabbed a beach umbrella, topped it with a roll of paper towel, and the ceiling was beer free in seconds.  Moral of the story is that if you are going to continue on the path of clumsiness, then you better learn to be resourceful.

Love,
Mommy

Checking Out the Goods

Dear Rhys,

Stop staring.  Stop smiling.  Stop giving her the eyes.  And please, stop smacking your lips at her.  They may be big, but there isn't a chance that you will be getting any milk out of them.  You're stuck with Mommy's.  Same goes for Daddy.

Love,
Mommy

Sugar Cane Train in Maui aka The Scene of the Crime

Curtains

Dear Miya,

The answer is still no, you cannot turn the television on.  I told you that while we are on vacation there is to be no television during the day.  Closing curtains, while clever, does not mean that night has fallen.

Love,
Mommy

Miya's attempt at tricking me into thinking that it's night

Wet Hands

Dear Miya,

Tomorrow we will be in Hawaii where we will spend a week splashing around in the ocean and paddling in the resort's pools.  Unfortunately, your yearning to play in water was so great that you could not wait the mere 24 hours until we touch down in Hawaii to do so.  All I can say is that I'm glad that I had cleaned that toilet today.

Love,
Mommy

Miya (just minutes before her hands entered the toilet) showing off the outfit she chose to wear on the flight.

Dancing and Singing Videos

Dear Miya,

I'm glad to see you've been brushing up on your Hula dancing skills in the lead up to our trip.  However, you may discover that the locals aren't familiar with your favourite tune "Hula, Hula (My Gorgeous Hair)."

http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=c4-feed-u&v=hD7mqhyHbOM

We leave for Hawaii in four short days.  In anticipation of the five hour flight, we bought you special headphones.  The idea being that you would be quiet and content watching videos on the plane.  Judging by the following video, we better hope that there are a lot of Carly Rae Jepsen fans on the plane.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=c4-feed-u&v=zZAQNrsHbXk

Love,
Mommy

No Yellow Snow!

Dear Miya,

You are growing up in Vancouver and as a result, you don't have a lot of experience with snow.  As such, we will forgive your confusion this one time.  The substance you were gleefully throwing in the air is not snow.  It's baking soda that I was using to soak up the moisture from your accident.  Now that we have established that the baking soda is not snow, please remember that the yellow rule applies to both snow and baking soda.  Never eat (or play in) the yellow snow or baking soda.

Love,
Mommy

Baby Art

Dear Miya,

Today, you proudly exclaimed, "look at my picture of you holding the baby".  By this, I assumed that I would look and see a picture of me holding Rhys in my arms.  Instead, I saw this:

Do you know something that I don't?  Because the last I heard, my tummy was vacant.

Love,
Mommy

Halloween Lies

Dear Miya,

I read an article one day that stated that lying indicates intelligence in young children.  I hope this is true.  You can't read and you don't have a cell phone.  Seems highly unlikely that Daddy texted you to say that he doesn't like trick or treating and that we should go ahead without him.

Love,
Mommy

Poor Barbie

Dear Rhys,

Barbies are not designed to be convenient, on the go versions of Mommies.  No matter how hard you try, your efforts will be fruitless.  Her boobs are missing some key parts necessary for breast feeding.

Love,
Mommy

Busted after trying to get a drink from Barbie 

Kitchen Helper

Dear Miya,

You are a great sous chef and thanks to Grandma and Papa you even have your own kitchen tools.  That being said, although it is functional and conveniently placed, your bum crack is not a whisk holster.

Love,
Mommy

Public Declarations

Dear Miya,

Although you were correct, there are certain facts that a person should not broadcast.  Furthermore, when I shush you, it means that you should immediately stop talking and the reason why will be discussed at an appropriate time.  It does not mean loudly and repeatedly ask, "why can't I say that?  That man does have crazy eyes."

Love,
Mommy

Key to Success

Dear Miya,

I am very impressed with your artistry.  However, sometimes your drawings don't turn out quite as planned.  Thank you for recognizing, without my input, that your "dolphin" looks more like Mike Wazowski, your "Daddy" looks more like a jelly fish and that your "My Little Pony" resembles a carrot.  Your ability to objectively assess and learn from your limitations will aid you in becoming a successful adult.  Perhaps, a rich, successful adult who lavishes her parents with gifts and trips.  No pressure, just putting it out there.

Love,
Mommy

"My Little Pony" aka "The Carrot"

Genetics

Dear Rhys,

You better hope that you take after your dad's side of the family in regards to facial hair.  If not, then your current soother will be your only experience sporting a mustache this glorious (see below).  Enjoy it while you can, just in case.

Love,
Mommy

Nap Time

Dear Landscapers,

Thank you for keeping the grounds of our housing complex so well maintained.  That being said, if you continue to wake Rhys up from his nap with your incessant weed whacking, I will weed whack you.  You are likely thinking this is a crazy, idle threat.  It likely is, but do you really want to take your chances with a sleep deprived mother of two?  I didn't think so.  Your cooperation in this matter is appreciated.

Sincerely,
Miya and Rhys' Mommy

Poor Rhys finally getting a much needed rest.

Milk Can't Talk?

Dear Miya,

The other night I was privileged to sit in on this conversation:

You:  "I'm finished my dinner.  May I be excused from the table?"
Daddy:  "Yes, you may."
Daddy:  "Wait, what about your milk?"
You paused and contemplated this question.
You:  "Daddy, my milk can't talk."

Thank you for educating your dad on the glass of milk's limitations.

Love,
Mommy

Taking the Stairs

Dear Rhys,

For the first three months of your life, calming you before bed merely required a gentle swaying motion.  Now, calming you requires several trips up and down the stairs.  As you can imagine, this is the last thing I want to do at the end of the day.  I have come up with a couple theories as to why you are doing this to me.

1. In an attempt to dislodge you as your due date was neared and then was passed, and then was way passed, I completed numerous laps of the stairs.  Considering how late you arrived, I think it's a fair assumption that you enjoyed my stair travels.  If this is the case, then I am solely to blame and must endure my punishment.
2. The booking of our upcoming trip to Hawaii coincided with your change in behaviour. I suspect that you are making me walk the stairs in preparation for the inevitable swimsuit wearing on this trip.  If this is the case, then you should really consider a future career as a personal trainer or drill sergeant.  You've really mastered screaming in my ear until I get it right.

Love,
Mommy

Rhys the trainer limbering up!

Wingman

Dear Rhys,

Please stop directing those big eyes and huge smiles at the bikini clad ladies at the pool.  Daddy doesn't need a wingman.  He's stuck with me.

Love,
Mommy

Clothing Choices

Dear Miya,

When you look back at pictures of your early childhood, please know that your dad often let you choose your own clothes.  By reading this, you are agreeing to release me from any future accusations of dressing you in horribly mismatched outfits.  That was all you.

Love,
Mommy

P.S. 56 days until Hawaii!
P.P.S. The picture shows Hawaii as HawaH.  That was not an error on my part.  Anytime, you see two parallel lines you insist on joining them to make an "H".

Phillips

Dear Miya,

As adorable as your confusion is, it is time I set the record straight. Your last name is Phillips.  The gatekeepers to your mouth are not Phillips.  They are lips.  Please let me know if you require further explanation.

Love,
Mommy

Outsmarting Mommy

Dear Miya,

A few days ago, I was running errands with you and Rhys in tow.  Suddenly, you were complaining that you were too warm.  This complaint was accompanied by dramatic fanning of your face and panting.  Concerned, I immediately reached for the air conditioner.  That's when I noticed the ice cream shop in my rear view mirror.  Sure enough, you soon explained, while still panting, that ice cream, not air conditioning, was the only way to cool you down.  I was dumbfounded by your quick thinking and intimidated by your cunning.  Hence, I live in fear of your teenage years.

Love,
Mommy

Milk & Sugar

Dear Rhys,

It was very observant of you to notice that my coffee was lacking milk.  It was very considerate of you to want to remedy that situation.  However, in future, please refrain from regurgitating milk into my coffee cup.  That's a flavour that sticks with you.  Not in a good way.

Love,
Mommy

Hospitality

Dear Miya,

Your hospitality is truly heartwarming.  I am positive that it puts our house guests' minds at ease to know that all they have to do is "roar" like Daniel Tiger to summon your assistance.

Love,
Mommy

Point of No Return

Dear Miya,

You observed others on the ride.  You were excited at the chance to try it yourself.  You have adventurous tendencies.  We acquiesced.  After the ride started, I quickly discovered that you are not quite as adventurous as we thought.  The point of no return had already passed and for that I apologize.  I'm, also, sorry about the crazy laughing.  It's what I do on rides or when I'm uncomfortable or scared.  Don't judge.  You do it, too.

Love,
Mommy

Blue Tongue

Dear Miya,

I know they are nontoxic.  I know they change your teeth and tongue a lovely shade of blue.  I know that you enjoy having your teeth and tongue a lovely shade of blue.  However, none of these reasons justify you "drinking" from a marker.  You know better than to do that.  Furthermore, since you made the cheeky comment that "if I can't drink them, then you should put them away somewhere", then I will do just that.  Let's see you try and dye your tongue blue now.

Love,
Mommy

Taking Direction Literally

Dear Miya,

Judging by the way you hovered your bum over your spilled breakfast, you took my orders too literally.  When I tell you to "get your bum over here and clean up this mess", I mean please bring your person into the vicinity of the mess and use your hands to clean up.  Not your bum.

Love,
Mommy

Word Choice

Dear Miya,

It is impressive how seamlessly you incorporate new words into your daily interactions.  However, occasionally you misuse the new words.  You seem to use the word "bang" as a synonym for the words "hit" or "spank".  In some sentences this would be an acceptable substitution, but in others substituting the word "bang" takes the sentence in a different direction.  One day, you will be old enough to understand why Grandma and I laughed when you angrily uttered, "Daddy is going to bang you when he gets home".

Love,
Mommy

Hairy Boobs

Dear Miya,

If you want us to be able to follow your logic, then sometimes the things you say require further explanation.  An example from this evening:

Daddy:  "I can't go to the park with you and Mommy because I have to watch Rhys."
You:  "No, you have hairy boobs.  You have to go to the park with me."

This could go a lot of ways.  I will assume you meant that he can't feed the baby.  However, as I previously stated, further explanation is required to be sure.

Love,
Mommy

Karma

Dear Miya and Rhys,

Being the mom-in-the-grocery-store-with-two-crying-kids is awesome.  But, being the mom-in-the-grocery-store-with-two-crying-kids-who-doesn't-realize-that-her-breasts-are-leaking-all-over-her-shirt-until-she-gets-to-the-car is even better.  I believe in karma and because of this, I cannot wait until you two have children of your own.

Love,
Mommy

Piñata Fail

Dear Miya,

I love that you embrace your individuality and have the confidence to be yourself.  Most of the time.  In future, when you are at a party involving a piñata, the goal is to get lots of candy to share with Mommy for you to enjoy.  The goal is not to get all of the bubbles.  Furthermore, it probably wasn't necessary to put your angry eyes on every time someone got near your bag.  Trust me, no one wanted to steal your bubbles.

Love,
Mommy

Bee Stings

Dear Rhys,

I always fancied myself to be a mother who would do anything to protect her children.  That was until this summer.  You attract bees and wasps in large numbers.  Last week, one of them stung me.  It hurt a lot.  I suggest you stop seducing the bees with your sweet baby smell.  There is a finite number of stings I will endure before I surrender you to them.  Consider yourself warned.

Love,
Mommy

Sad Pirate

Dear Miya,

You can't use my work desk as a pirate ship, no matter how many times you softly utter, "arrr" with that downtrodden look on your face.  Furthermore, yelling at me, "I'm a sad pirate" won't stop me from laughing at your dramatics.  It just makes the whole scene more amusing.

Love,
Mommy

Soother Tricks

Dear Rhys,

I must apologize for starting when I look at your face lately.  I promise that, despite my reaction, I find you to be quite adorable.  However, at first glance, when you do that thing where you stick your tongue out below your soother, something looks frighteningly amiss.

Love,
Mommy

Diaper Treasures

Dear Miya,

Your stealth is commendable.  Last night, I changed your brother's diaper, then took him upstairs, swaddled him and placed him in bed.  Please explain how and when you slipped doll arms into his diaper.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Rhys,

I greatly appreciate the fact that you sleep through the night.  That being said, it is not necessary to sacrifice your comfort so that Mommy can sleep well.  Next time you find yourself sleeping with doll arms stuck to your bum, please give me a shout.  Sometimes that sister of yours can be a pain in the bum.  Pun intended.

Love,
Mommy

Pink Lemonade

Dear Miya,

I am well aware that pink is your favourite colour and that white is not.  However, this is not a valid reason why you should be served pink lemonade with breakfast instead of milk. Nice try.

Love,
Mommy

Chalk Crisis

Dear Miya,

I am proud of your ability to stay calm and take charge in the midst of a crisis.  I, also, appreciate your frequent reassurances that it is "going to be fine".  I must admit, your plan to clean up all your toys and clean the TV before Daddy got home did save you from further discipline.  In future, it may be easier to just avoid the crisis by not drawing chalk pictures on Daddy's TV.

Love,
Mommy

Feeding Rosanna

Dear Miya,

You are a very sweet Mommy to baby Rosanna*.  That being said, I must apologize for laughing while you fed her.  I'm sure your doll will greatly benefit from your decision to breastfeed.

Love,
Mommy

*  formerly known as Barbie

Mommy's Birthday

Dear Miya,

You made some persuasive arguments.  Despite that, I must decline your request.  You cannot have a birthday party for Mommy on the deck with all of your friends at which I close my eyes while you open all the presents.  That's just a party for you in disguise.

Love,
Mommy

Placement vs Payment

Dear Miya,

Daily, I hear you say, "I bought it all by myself".  The fact of the matter is that you did not.  Placing an item on the counter at the cashier is not the same as paying for the item.

Love,
Mommy

Big Tummy

Dear Miya,

The answer is no.  I do not have another baby in my "big tummy".  Your brother isn't even two months old yet, so please cut me some slack.  If you're looking for me, I will be upstairs...doing sit-ups...between sobs.

Love,
Mommy

Mommy's Moustache

Dear Miya,

In my slightly biased opinion, the portraits you draw are unparalleled.  However, they are not always accurate.  I know that I don't maintain my appearance as well as I did in the pre-Miya era, but there is no way that I have more facial hair than your dad.  In future, please draw Daddy with the moustache and Mommy without.

Love,
Mommy

First Crush Revisited

Dear Miya,

I thought it was nice of you to ask Aunty Kelsey to play hide and seek with you.  At least I did until I realized that you were just using it as an opportunity to have alone time with Richard while Aunty Kelsey was hiding.  Your tactics are very clever, but please give Aunty Kelsey a break and back off her boyfriend.

Love,
Mommy

Update: Picture added 13Oct14. Crush still going strong!

Always Listen to Your Mom Revisited

Dear Miya,

Mr. Milk Jug listened to Mommy and sat nicely in his stroller on the way home from the store.  Despite being offered a ride in the stroller first, you opted to walk home.  But, instead of walking you ran and fooled around despite being repeatedly told to stop.  Mr. Milk Jug made it home unscathed, you did not.  Hopefully, this time the lesson will sink in.  Always listen to your mom.

Love,

Mommy

Pirate Games

Dear Miya,

It has come to my attention that you have been assisting Captain Rhys with keeping one eye shut to simulate a pirate eye patch.  While we appreciate you being a helpful big sister, Rhys making it to his first birthday with both eyes intact is slightly more important.  Please stop playing pirates with Rhys until further notice.

Love,
Mommy

Blowouts

Dear Rhys,

Please try to keep your bowel movements to an amount that does not exceed the limit of your diaper.  If this is not possible, please aim the leakage towards a different section of my pants next time.  Your dad is never going to believe that your diaper leaked as it is far more amusing to say that Mommy peed herself.

Love,
Mommy

English Accent

Dear Miya,

I've noticed that you pronounce several words with an English accent lately.  Your dad believes that Peppa Pig is influencing how you speak.  This leads me to believe that your dad thinks I let you watch Peppa Pig videos all day.  You and I both know this is false, so please lose the accent.

Love,
Mommy

Conversation Tips

Dear Rhys,

Congratulations on learning to use your voice for something other than crying or grunting.  The little baby stories you tell are very cute.  That being said, I have a couple tips for you that will really increase the cute factor.

1. Punctuating each "sentence" with the release of gas or projectile spit-up really takes away from the cuteness.  In future, let's just leave that part of the story out.
2. My ability to appreciate cuteness peaks between the hours of 8am and 10 pm.  At 4 am, I really struggle to fully appreciate the story.  

Love,

Mommy

Another New Rule

Dear Miya,

In future, please refrain from having small toys accompany you to the bathroom.  Also, just in case the downstairs bathroom backs up, let's just keep today's events between us.  When I see a zebra hanging out with a number  two, flush is the only option in my eyes.  Thank you for your discretion.

Love,
Mommy

Miya 101

Dear Rhys,

I know Miya keeps sticking her face in your face.  I know that this annoys you.  I know that she persists despite your dad and I telling her to stop.  You are new here, so I'm going to help you out with some advice.  Your sister remembers everything.  Your sister takes after your dad.  Retaliation is fruitless.  They will always get you worse than you got them.  That being said, although I know she deserved it, I would advise against puking on her nose again.

Love,
Mommy

First Crush

Dear Miya,

I know that you have a crush on Richard.  Your need to have your hair done up before he comes over is evidence of the crush.  As your mother, I feel it is my job to intervene before someone gets hurt.  The following are the reasons why I feel that you should not pursue your feelings:

1. The twenty year age difference results in you two being at very different places in your life.  He's at the start of his adult life and you are at the start of your preschool life.  The age difference, also, presents some legal issues.
2. Richard is Aunty Kelsey's boyfriend.  You don't want to mess with her.

Love,

Mommy

Aunty Jay's Graduation

Dear Miya,

I am sorry that we misled you at Aunty Jaymie's commencements.  Your idea that she was going to walk on stage, spin and turn into a princess sounded so exciting.  After hearing your version of events, the fact that she was just going to walk on stage, have her tassle switched from one side to the other, and shake some hands sounded anticlimactic.

Love,
Mommy

Armpit Shampoo

Dear Miya,

Thank you for bringing and telling me to use my armpit shampoo*.  I assume this is your not so subtle way of telling me that I need a shower.

Love,
Mommy

* also known as deodorant

Appropriate Sibling Behaviour

Dear Miya,

The answer is no!  When your boobies grow up, Rhys will not eat from your big boobies.  If he does, then your dad and I took a very wrong turn in raising you two!

Love,
Mommy

It Wasn't Me!

Dear Rhys,

I do not appreciate the accusatory glares and screams being thrown my way.  If you would take a moment to unclench your fists, then you would realize that you are the real culprit.  I know I'm not a perfect parent, but you don't need to set the bar that low.  I'm definitely above pulling a newborn's hair.

Love, 

Mommy

Welcome to the Family!

Dear Rhys,

When we peeked in your car seat on your first day home, you were giving the world the finger.  Your sister did the same thing when we brought her home three years prior.  You two make us so proud.  Welcome to our crazy family, there is no question that you will fit right in.

Love,
Mommy

Rhys, May 2013

Miya, May 2010

Coconuts

Dear Miya,

Please cut Mommy and Daddy some slack when we are helping you pick out clothes in the morning.  When you pronounce polka dots, Go Canucks and coconuts all as coconuts it takes a few minutes to figure out which shirt you want.

Love,
Mommy

Acting Skills

Dear Miya,

You are quite the little actress.  However, you are not going to win an Oscar any time soon.  It's pretty obvious that you are fake sneezing every time a fork full of food you don't want to eat goes near your face.  Playing the allergy card is very clever, though.

Love,
Mommy

Overdue Sibling

Dear Miya,

Thank you for offering to help Mommy get the baby out, but, I don't think safety scissors are adequate to cut the baby out.  I must ask; has someone explained a caesarean section to you or did you come up with this on your own?  Either way, I'm not sure if I should be impressed by your intelligence or sleeping with one eye open.

Love,
Mommy

Spaghetti

Dear Miya,

Today, while you were in the bathroom taking care of business you said, "I smell spaghetti, did Daddy poop?"  Are you trying to drop a hint regarding the quality of my spaghetti? 

Love, 

Mommy

Swimming

Dear Miya,

I know that you really want to go swimming.  But, as I explained, Mommy is too close to having the baby to feel comfortable taking you swimming.  I promise we will go once the baby is out.  That being said, I appreciate your suggestion that I switch my big tummy for Aunty Suzie's small tummy, so that she can hold the baby while I take you swimming.  Unfortunately, at this time that is not humanly possible.  If it was, Daddy would be my first tummy switch victim.

Love,
Mommy

Dance Class Review

Dear Miya,

Overall, you are doing great at dance class.  However, I don't think it is necessary to tell your dance teacher during every class that you brushed your teeth.  Furthermore, I don't think she needs to know your preferred flavour of toothpaste.  Moving forward, let's assume that she knows that your teeth are clean.  Also, when the teacher asks what kind of jumping animal you want to be, please don't say, "I want to eat a butterfly".  I'm fairly certain that freaked the teacher out.

Love,
Mommy

Baby Smell

Dear Miya,

You will discover when the baby arrives that newborn babies have a distinct, pleasant smell*.  Likewise, bacon has a distinct, pleasant smell.  However, these smells are very different.  Equipped with this information, it should no longer be necessary for you to sniff my tummy to see if the baby is the source of the bacon smell.

Love,
Mommy

* Clean ones do, at least.

Bedtime

Dear Miya,

Despite what the baby allegedly told you, when Mommy says it's bedtime, then it is bedtime!  Mommy makes the rules.  Your unborn sibling as interpreted by you does not.

Love,
Mommy

Feeding the Baby

Dear Miya,

The baby can't eat the raspberry, no matter how wide you hold its "mouth"* open.  It was very kind of you to share, though.

Love,
Mommy

*formerly known as my belly button

The Baby Did It!

Dear Miya,

At some point or another, we have all framed a sibling for our own misdeed.  Today when I asked you who coloured in the book, you said the baby did it and proceeded to scold the baby.  I didn't buy it for a second.  In future, to maximize the effectiveness of framing a sibling, you should probably wait until the sibling has been born.

Love,
Mommy

Usher Lyrics

Dear Miya,

When Usher sings the line "if you wanna scream", he is not offering you ice cream.  I apologize for the confusion, but you are stuck with the oatmeal that I made you for breakfast.

Love,
Mommy

Tummy Time

Dear Miya,

I must deny your request to get into my tummy with the baby.  My tummy is currently at capacity.  Please check back in a few weeks.

Love,
Mommy

Tripping

Dear Miya,

Thank you for guiding me up the stairs to keep me from tripping like Daddy did.  That was very considerate of you.  With that being said, I'm not sure that it was necessary to point out that if I tripped like Daddy did, I would "roll down the stairs like a ball" in my current state.

Love,
Mommy

False Alarm

Dear Miya,

Judging by the look you gave us, you think Mommy and Daddy are crazy and that we overreacted to the situation.  I respectfully disagree.  When you say, "I peed" while we are driving, without specifying when, it is perfectly logical for us to panic and assume the peeing incident has just occurred.  Thank you for clarifying, after the fact, that you meant you had peed much earlier in the day...on the potty...at daycare.

Love,
Mommy

Cheese does not equal paint

Dear Miya,

Considering the fact that you smiled and said, "I'm so in trouble" as I retrieved you from your car seat, I suspect you already know the following, previously unstated, rule:

Babybel cheese is never to be used to "paint" anything.  Ever.  This includes books.

Just so that there is no confusion, please note that this rule applies to every kind of cheese known to mankind.  Thank you for your cooperation.

Love,
Mommy

Always listen to your mother!

Dear Miya,

I hope you never forget the lesson you learned today.

Eating an insane amount of lunch for such a tiny person + running and jumping in the store immediately after lunch + ignoring your mom when she tells you to stop running and jumping in the store = throwing up in the grocery store aisle

I'm sorry that had to happen to you, but just remember that you should always listen to your Mommy.

Love,
Mommy

Foul Smells

Dear Miya,

Similar to the discussion we had about how when things go missing it doesn't mean Mommy ate it*, when you smell something foul it doesn't mean Daddy pooped.  As funny as your accusations are, I can promise you that Daddy didn't poop in the car, or on the sidewalk, or at the park.

Love,
Mommy

* with the exception of your missing Easter bunny chocolate lollipop, I did eat that.

New Friends

Dear Miya,

We need to have a talk about your new friends.  I didn't mind when you sat and watched them, or talked to them, or played hide and seek with them.  I did mind, however, when you sat on the floor with strawberries to coax them out of their hiding spots and then attempted to feed them the strawberries.  I know that you feel that they are "very nice and pretty and beautiful", but Mommy and Daddy feel that the giant ants are a nuisance and should be dealt with accordingly.

Love,
Mommy

Kitchen Table Rescue

Dear Miya,

I applaud your attempt to stop Aunty Kelsey from moving her kitchen table from our place to her new place.  With that in mind, I thought I would share with you the reasons I feel you were unsuccessful.

1.  The rules of Dora the Explorer's world do not always apply to our world.  Yelling, "swiper, no swiping" three times does not necessarily stop people from taking things.
2. "Swiper, no swiping" may have been more successful if it had been said at the time the table was taken.  Yelling it in the parking lot of Ikea the next day, as we were on our way to find a new table, was likely too late to be effective.

Love,

Mommy

Carsick

Dear Miya,

When someone is carsick, it means that the motion of the car is making the person feel nauseous.  Therefore, when Mommy says that Daddy's driving is making her carsick, "poor car" may not be the best response.

Love,
Mommy

Colours

Dear Miya,

I know that you were innocently commenting on the colour of clothing the couple in the corner booth were wearing.  Unfortunately, the rest of the people in the restaurant who turned and gave Mommy dirty looks did not.  That is why I must ask you to refrain from yelling, "Look at the black people" in public.

Love,
Mommy

Swiper

Dear Miya,

We let you watch Dora because we thought it was a show that would teach you positive lessons.  For example, how to speak Spanish and how to help others.  Unfortunately, you seem to be more focussed on the lessons Swiper the fox teaches.  Such as, how to sneak around on your tip toes and how to steal things from others.  I apologize now if we have set you up for a life of crime.

Love,
Mommy

Honesty

Dear Miya,

You asked me who Mickey was in relation to Minnie and I told you that Mickey is to Minnie what Daddy is to Mommy.  Your response was, "Daddy is Mickey and Mommy is big Minnie".  Your honest appraisal of situations is often refreshing, but this was not one of those times.

Love,
Mommy

Car Wash

Dear Miya,

I decided to record your reaction because I thought that you would be ecstatic to be on your first car wash adventure.  What I ended up capturing was so much better.  Just so you know, if the soap starts making it inside the car,  getting it in your eyes will be the least of our worries.

Love,
Mommy

Link to video below:

 Carwash Video

Just Joking

Dear Miya,

The ability to say,"just joking" afterwards does not mean you have a free pass to do or say whatever you want.

Love,
Mommy

Parking Lot Safety

Dear Miya,

I am glad that you paid attention to the lecture we gave you on parking lot safety and I appreciate your concern for the well-being of Uncle Brandon and myself.  Unfortunately, I have to decline your request that I hold hands with Uncle Brandon as we cross the parking lot.  After a certain age, it's not socially acceptable to walk around holding hands with your brother.  Especially, when pregnant.  What would the neighbours think?

Love,
Mommy

Accidents

Dear Miya,

Your ability to go from sleeping and snoring to wide awake and telling stories in a split second is truly remarkable.  That being said, I'm not sure that I believe that the little wet spot on the sheets directly under your bum was Daddy having an accident.  I think your credibilty really took a hit when your dad walked in and you promptly pointed to the same wet spot and said, "Mommy peed the bed". 

Love,
Mommy 

Missing Toys, Revisited

Dear Miya,

You misplaced your moo cow phone and your dad misplaced his cell phone.  I did not eat them.  Please stop asking me to open my mouth so that you can check.  No matter what your dad says, my belly contains a baby, not all of your missing toys.

Love,
Mommy

Driving Skills

Dear Miya,

I realize that given my gender and my racial make-up that I fall under the bad driver stereotype.  That being said, it is not necessary to remind me daily not to hit the trees when I drive.  Especially, when the trees in question are 100 yards from the road.

Love,
Mommy

Biggest Loser

Dear Miya,

I am growing you a sibling.  I am not trying to get myself on a future season of "The Biggest Loser".  Please refrain from pointing at contestants and saying, "look it's Mommy's belly".

Love,
Mommy

Missing Toys

Dear Miya,

When your toys go missing the logical conclusion is that they have been misplaced not, "Mommy ate it".

Love,
Mommy

Bathroom Tips

Dear Miya,

Please refrain from loudly saying or discussing the following in public washrooms when others are present:

1. "What's that smell?" Or "Something stinks"
2. "What's that sound?"
3. Describing the actions of the people in adjoining stalls
4. Describing the size, shape, colour or composition of your poop

Love,

Mommy

Goof Ball

Dear Miya,

Although, it was really funny when you immediately dropped to the floor and said "kick me, I'm a ball", I don't mean it literally when I call you a goof ball.

Love,
Mommy

Breakfast

Dear Miya,

It is very cute that you think that clouds and even the oatmeal on your spoon are baby shaped since you watched "Up".  That being said, the oatmeal baby doesn't have the ability to poop in your breakfast rendering it inedible.  Nice try, though.

Love,
Mommy

Mowing the Lawn

Dear Miya,

Sorry, that we couldn't let you drive the riding lawnmower in the store today.  Unfortunately, it is not coin operated, no matter how many times you say, "please put money in it".

Love,
Mommy

Birthdays, revisited

Dear Miya,

You must have inherited your reasoning skills from your dad.  When I see an airplane, the first words out of my mouth are definitely not, "there's an airplane in the sky, it must be my birthday".  While we are on the subject, according to the other parents from daycare, their children are singing "Happy Birthday to Miya" at home.  Your birthday is still two months away.  You get one day a year, not several months.  Stop making the other kids sing to you!

Love,
Mommy

Bath Toys

Dear Miya,

I know my tummy is getting really big.  But, I don't think that warrants you stacking your whale bath toys on my stomach and saying, "look, a whale castle."

Love,
Mommy

Tumbling

Dear Miya,

In my possibly biased opinion, you have two very intelligent parents.  However, sometimes we don't consider the consequences of what we say before we say it.  The other day when we were washer and dryer shopping, your Dad asked if you wanted to climb in a dryer and go for a tumble.  He was joking.  But, judging by the enthusiastic way you tried to climb in every dryer in the store, you thought he was serious.  For future reference, when your sibling arrives, he or she is towel dry only!

Love,
Mommy

Skittles

Dear Miya,

I am writing to inform you that effective immediately, we are cutting down your TV time.  Today, we told you that if you ate more of your dinner, then you could have ice cream.  Your response was, "I don't need to finish dinner, I will taste the rainbow tomorrow."  When you start using TV ad slogans in day to day conversation there is a problem. 

Love,
Mommy

Speeding Tickets

Dear Miya,

Today, on the way to daycare you kept yelling at me to drive faster because an imaginary giant cat was chasing us and trying to eat us.  It was both funny and imaginative.  In 16 years, when you get your inevitable first speeding ticket, do not expect me to believe the "a giant cat was chasing me" excuse.  In case you are wondering, I used the word inevitable because speeding tickets are part of your genetic make-up.  If your future sibling is a boy, we could wallpaper his room blue with your dad's old speeding tickets.

Love,
Mommy

House Rules

Dear Miya,

When you initiate a game of make-believe in which you are the mommy and I am the baby, you do not have the authority to change house rules.  Popsicles are still not allowed before you've had your lunch.  Furthermore, going to the fridge and bringing your dad back a beer will not change the rules either.  Your cunning is admirable, though.

Love,
Mommy

Be careful with your cup!

Dear Miya,

It is very impressive that you are bilingual.  Just be careful when you ask someone for doo doo* in your cup.  You might not get the results you want...in a really really bad way.

Love,
Mommy

* spelled phonetically

Potty Time

Dear Miya,

We are very excited that you are potty trained with time to spare before your sibling  makes his or her appearance.  I just have a couple suggestions:

1. It is not necessary to finish a half roll of toilet paper in one sitting, unless you are prepared to try out your plumbing skills and forego your college fund.  Toilet paper gets expensive when used at that rate.
2. We know that you occasionally require assistance in the bathroom.  However, Daddy's friends do not want to take you to go poop and they definitely do not want to wipe your bum.  

Love,

Mommy

Personalizing Songs

Dear Miya,

It is very sweet when you replace "Toopy & Binoo" with "Mommy & Miya" when you sing the theme song.  Today, when you replaced the word "rain" with "Mommy" in "Rain, rain go away" the same was not true.  It was very clever, though.

Love,

Mommy

Birthdays

Dear Miya,

Yesterday was not your birthday.  Today is not your birthday.  Tomorrow is not your birthday, either.  Judging by the number of times you have declared it your birthday lately, combined with your recent mood swings, you think you are a teenager.  Your birthday is in May and you will be three.  Please make necessary adjustments.

Love,
Mommy

Baby Names

Dear Miya,

I regret to inform you that I simply cannot bring myself to name your future sibling after a cartoon monkey.  However, I do want you to know that I truly appreciate your suggestion.  You suggesting the name George after watching Curious George is much more helpful than your dad suggesting the name Miyagi after watching Karate Kid.

Love,
Mommy

Wedgies

Dear Miya,

The word of the day is wedgie.  An example of how to use it in a sentence is:
"Mommy, I have a wedgie."

This is a more socially acceptable form of your usual phrase:
"Mommy, my  panties are stuck in my lady parts"

Love,
Mommy

S-P-I-P, STOP

Dear Miya,

I am very impressed that you remembered, and were repeating today, what I taught you on the way to daycare yesterday, red sign plus S-T-O-P means STOP.  However, I need to point out two things:

1. On the drive to daycare I am only half paying attention to what you say: a) because it's 8 AM or earlier and, b) because I am trying to concentrate on driving
2. STOP is spelled S-T-O-P, not S-P-I-P

Due to the fact that I was only half paying attention to you talking this morning, I missed the "S-P" and only tuned in at the "I-P, STOP" part.  I hope this explains why I looked a little panic stricken and asked you repeatedly if you peed in the car seat.

Love,
Mommy