Gender Equality

Dear Rhys,

Recently, post-bath and pre-pyjamas Miya decided that it would be fun to slide down the stairs on her stomach.  It was...for her.  Despite my warnings against it, you, equally naked, enthusiastically followed. One stair down you shrieked, "ouch" and immediately stopped and began examining your appendage for damage.  We believe in equal opportunity in our family, however, anyone who says men and women are created equal has not attempted a naked slide down the stairs with male anatomy.

Love,
Mommy

Expectation: Christmas photos. Result: Hooligans beating up their elf.

The Birds and the Bees

Dear Miya,

Currently, we know a lot of pregnant women and this has triggered your curiosity about how pregnancy occurs.  I tried dodging your questions, but eventually I gave in.  Without detailing how the process occurs, I told you that an egg gets fertilized and grows into a baby in the Mommy's tummy.

Today, out of the blue, you asked me if Papa fertilized an egg in Gramma's tummy that grew into me.  Once the wave of nausea your question induced had passed, I realized I had forgotten to tell you how I was conceived.  It's called immaculate conception.  Basically, I just appeared in Gramma's tummy.  Coincidentally, all of my siblings came about in the same way.  No fertilization was ever necessary.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Love,
Your scarred for life Mommy

Scoopy

Dear Scoopy,

As our resident Elf on the Shelf, you have become a beloved member of our family.  However, after some discussions with Miya and Rhys over the last two days, I have some issues to take up with you.  As you and I both know, you have assistance from some unnamed helpers in pulling off your shenanigans.  The first helper assists you in setting up scenes that will delight and amuse the children.  The second helper, on the other hand, seems to like to assist you in picking the parts of the house that, admittedly, don't get dusted as often as they should.  Miya has started commenting on the layer of dust you're developing.  Please shake off the dust and get helper number two in line.

Secondly, Miya informed me today that her and Rhys have decided what they want to be when they grow up.  "We both want to be an Elf on the Shelf when we grow up.  Isn't that great?" Miya gleefully exclaimed.  Rhys nodded his agreement yelling, "ya, ya, Scooooppaaayyy" and pointing in your direction.  Scoopy, I want to be a parent who supports my children no matter what path they choose in life.  But, I mean support in the emotional way, not the financial way and I suspect there's not a lot of money to be made as an Elf.  Please stop making the Elf life look so appealing.

Love,
Mommy

22

Dear Miya,

You are a hilarious cornucopia of misheard lyrics.  You sing "all about the becks" instead of "all about that bass", "shake it out" instead of "shake it off" and you vehemently insist that your version is correct.  My favourite, though, has to be when you sing what you call "The Hamster Song" better known as Taylor Swift's "22", or as you like to sing it "swemie two".

Actual Lyrics:

It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters.

Your Lyrics:

It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hamsters.

Man, that Taylor Swift is into some weird stuff.

Love,
Mommy

New Words

Dear Rhys,

I am so proud that you have learned how to say the word "wall" and the phrase "I did it".  I just wish that you hadn't debuted them in response to the question, " who drew on the wall?"

Love,
Mommy